Losing a Child is something that until November 11, 2007, I never truly feared. Being a nurse, primarily working in pediatrics I saw children die early, and knew a few families that had lost a child. But until it is your child, the hugeness of it, the life shattering, heart breaking reality of it is something impossible to grasp.Something I will never understand the "why my child", and even more than that now, "why this needless, selfish, unacceptable way?" I know we all share that here, and for that I am forever sorry for each of you.
Our Holly, Holly Megan Rogers, entered the world on June 20, 1987. She came into the world as a "frank breech" baby.., which we would come to tease her through later years, she came into this world a rebel, and all the 20 years 4 months and 22 days that we had her, she was her own person!! Unique in every way, especially her love of others, her lack of understanding why there should be anything but sunshiny days, blue skies, hugs, bright colored flowers, and laughter!! Lots of laughter. She was a blue eyes, blonde haired (in every way) beauty! To this day we have what we call "Holly'isms." As I always like to clarify, she was smart, and very wise, but on occasion her "blondeness" shone through!
Living in Alabama, and less than 2 miles from the campus of the U of A, Holly's first words may well have been "roll tide!" She was a southern girl through and through and loved her Crimson Tide football! She never missed a game, football, basketball, volleyball you name it and was quite athletic in junior high and high school herself. If you asked everyone who knew Holly at all, to describe her in one word, they would say "social!' So, though we went to games and watched bits and pieces of games with Holly and her younger brother Jake who was 22 months younger than his sister, but keeping Holly in one place for 4 quarters of football on television just didn't happen often. On this particular crisp November saturday, Holly and a girlfriend watched the entire game at my mom's with us, and some other family. Unfortunately it didn't end well, we lost, and so Holly and her friend started texting friends about plans for the night. She and a couple of other girls were all spending the night on campus at one of the girls apartment, but there was a concert in Birmingham that night, that Holly really wanted to go to. I didn't realize how much until in the months that followed I would find the date on her calendar, or jotted down. She REALLY wanted to go! I of course suggested that maybe they should hang out in Tuscaloosa since there would be so much traffic. A suggestion as I said because they were all 20 or older and I certainly felt they would decide. My suggestion to stay in Tuscaloosa, would become the first of so many regrets and cause me so much guilt.
I vividly remember as Holly and her friend got up to leave from my moms, which Holly had done many times, but this afternoon is etched forever in my memory. Holly hugged everyone and gave her kisses to her Mimi, Aunt and Step dad, and as I walked them to the door, we hugged kissed on the cheek and said our I-love-you's. If only..I would have known this would be the last time to ever hear her voice, kiss her soft face, feel her hug, smell her blonde hair, I would have held on to her and NEVER let her go, EVER! Instead, we parted as we had so many times, just believing it was for the night. So I was as always, taking for granted what only hours later, a pathetic drunk would steal from me, from us in a brief split second.
I remember being half asleep, or so I thought, and hearing the doorbell. It was around 4:00 a.m. It took a minute to bring me out of my dream state, and realize I had indeed heard someone at the door. My husband and I were the only ones here, since our other 3 kids had moved out on their own, and it was just us and our Holly. NEVER once, while I got out of bed and put on my robe and head for the front door, occur to me as my husband said it occurred to him, "oh my God this cannot be good." We reached the door at about the same second, and there stood two men. That's where it stops for me, I don't remember their faces, I don't even remember that they had on jackets identifying them as homicide investigators. All I know is that the few seconds, minutes whatever that folllowed have never come through in my memory. It still takes my breath to hear my husband tell that my screams could be heard for blocks, and that no one could calm me. The next memory I have must have been 10-15 minutes later, when my mom, sister, and her friend who was visiting overnight were coming in my door. My mom, whom Holly adored from birth, and vice versa, was wailing, as was my sister. Steve, my husband seemed only concerned in holding on to me. The hours that followed would bring many broken hearts up to our front door. It seemed almost immediately people were arriving. Who called them I don't know. I have a large family here and this has been the tradition through my life whenever one of our own has died. The hardest and next memory I have was Holly's brother Jake, my precious son, walking up the front porch steps, in pj bottoms and tee shirt, and absolutely broken to his core. That I will never forget. Or my dad arriving from Tennessee sobbing and trembling for his first grandchild, his love. My recollections from that day, are only lots of people, throughout our house. But Jake and I found refuge on my bed in the comforting arms of his two best friends moms, who stayed there with both of us all day. I would walk through the house every once in awhile and see some faces, but too numb, too shocked and in too much pain to even FEEL! .
I don't even remember exactly how or when we learned the details of the accident. I sometimes feel that I was so inadequate as a mother, not even asking, or I don't think.
But I do know within a day or two the news top story, was the story of my baby girls death. A death caused by an illegal immigrant, who had prior DUI's. He had no car, license or insurance, and had driven a relatives car almost through Tuscaloosa's main four lane road on the WRONG side, at approximately 90 mph, no lights, running two other drivers off the road right before hitting sweet Holly head on, killing her instantly.The few days that followed were planning her wake, and funeral. Something NO parent should EVER have to do. But I do remember feeling like my legs would buckle standing for over 4 hours to receive visitors at her wake. It just meant so much, to know so many loved her! We were told by many people that they finally had to leave, even just waiting on a parking place to empty! If I was capable of a smile, I know seeing that she touched SO many lives brought one. Even then, and still does today! So many that I soon learned that his BAC was 0.26, and that he survived, but without an airbag causing horrible damage to his face, requiring what would be over 17 facial surgeries, after being on a ventilator for about 10 days. Holly, who had simply left the sleepover to take one of the girls to her sisters, where she had decided to go and stay late in the night. So after dropping her off, and on her way back to her friends apartment, her precious life ended. With it taking me, her brother, and all of her family that loved her so deeply.
As well all know grief is hell in and of itself, especially when you are grieving your child. Add to that the complexities and inadequacies that litigation involves. Because of Emilio Mendez Hernandez' BAC his crime was MURDER. Because it took so much extra time to find translators, and PROVIDE him with his DEFENSE, our family would have to endure the agony of waiting, and waiting. To ensure that the MURDERER was treated not only as the 'justice" system seems to have laid out especially for the criminal, more than the victims, HIS selfish crime that took seconds, to forever change our lives entirely, would draw out over years. Only at the last minute did he "plead guilty" on April 6, 2010, sparing us a trial. But having to be in his presence, trying to hear in his foreign language something in the tone that would feel like remorse. But, it didn't come. I thought giving my Victims Impact Statement would help me release some anger and pain. But it honestly was the hardest thing I've ever done. I barely made it through, all the while hoping that HE could hear the pain in my voice. I'll never know. He suffered damage to his vision, and is called "legally blind." But that seemed unfair more to us. He didn't even have to look us in the eyes, as he was permitted to wear dark glasses. He was ultimately given a suspended 20 year sentence, which I've learned means nothing!!! He was to serve 5, with the 2 he had already served counted. The Public Defender based his defense on the fact that Emilio Hernandez was not a citizen and would be a higher cost to incarcerate longer! Unbelievable, the very law he broke coming here and having access to my daughters life, became the very basis for his defense! Never mind that he lived here for over 5 years prior to the accident, and had at least 2, maybe three other DUI charges during that time. He had served NO time, and even gave his name differently it was believed once when stopped.Because there was no DATABASE for illegal immigrants he drove away! At the end of this nightmare in court, we honestly felt we were the ones who had committed the crime! The only justice for our Holly is eternity! The justice system showed no concern for her precious life, and gave more consideration to a non-citizen than to our baby who was born and raised here, worked from the time she was 16, and made the world a better place just being in it.
Maybe we as parents and family members who lose those we love to this all to frequent and at times ignored crime tend to survive by intellectualizing. I know within weeks I was spending every waking hour on the computer educating myself about ALL of the issues facing us. I remember Jake being here one night and telling me he worried about me constantly filling my mind with the very thing that was breaking me. But it helped me survive. It gave me a purpose in my pain. For years I wrote so many legislators so many letters and wondered if I would ever see change. I have seen some change, in our laws. I am yet to see Alabama really act on those. But as I recently told my husband, I may not have made one bit of difference yet, but if I died tomorrow there would DEFINITELY be some legislators in Alabama, say "Wow I am glad she is gone, she has worried me to death!"
So, here am I a little over 7 years without my daughter. I miss her more than ever.I have come a long way, but it seems I take two steps forward and three back. She was definitely a gift from God, and I am thankful that I got to be her mother. God has shown himself a mighty mighty presence in those years. I, unlike most of you never saw Holly's car. I just couldn't. I feel ashamed at times, but it was something I couldn't do. But I can say that her dad said there was very little evidence inside the car that a life had been lost. Holly died from "Blount force head trauma", which still sends chills all over me. But she looked absolutely beautiful, and at peace. I recently had a chance meeting with a fireman that was a first responder. When he found out I was Holly's mom, his eyes filled with tears and he just lowered his head. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what I felt he was about to tell me. But he shared with me that upon getting on the scene, they found my sweet girl, airbag deployed, in her seat belt with her head just lying on the steering wheel as if she had gone to sleep. He also shared that they stood round her and prayed which he said is common. The comfort that I received from this man was more than I could ever have imagined.
This is a journey none of us should ever have had to go through. I have found peace in many ways, but I will NEVER have total peace on this earth, until people start paying attention, laws get passed and enforced and NO parent has to get this knock at their door as we did. I am grateful for the friendships here and mostly for Julie and Bill Downs taking their horrendous loss and reaching out to others. God bless you all and we are a united FORCE of hurting people. We have the scars and the power to be heard